Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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