can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize