Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
