next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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