She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Who put my cat in the fridge?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize