The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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