Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Randomize
