We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
