me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
