I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
