how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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