it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
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