Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Randomize
