i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Sorry my hands just texted you
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
