How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
