we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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