you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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