how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
