I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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