i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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