At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We need a shit load of segways right now
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
