Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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