My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I am spending my child support on dildos
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
