dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
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