He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize