Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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