Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize