He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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