Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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