omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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