just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Randomize
