why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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