Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
