I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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