I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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