I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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