Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
