she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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