i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
