Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
