the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
