next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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