you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
