Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
