I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
