mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
it's like heaven, but drunker
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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