i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
