yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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