Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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