He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
