my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
