Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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