I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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