And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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