He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
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