I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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