Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
