i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
