My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
