one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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