My friends, they love my intelligence
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
