I think I died a long time ago.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
