I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Can't talk, ducks in the car
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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