i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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