Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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