I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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