Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
