He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
